An open letter to all you people who’ve been touching my stuff:

I would like to take this opportunity to say that I do not appreciate all you people touching my stuff. That honey bran muffin that I left on my table this morning at the coffee shop, I wasn’t finished with that. I was going to eat all of it. I was just pacing myself. Those things are dense and require a certain amount of time devoted for proper digestion.
Furthermore, who touches another person’s table at a coffee shop? It was quite clear that I had just stepped out for a cigarette. My computer was still there and open. And to the lady whose name I never got and who I asked if she could keep an eye on my laptop, you’re guilty by association. I would think that any normal person could make the logical leaps that if I was coming back to my table I might still want that muffin. All you had to do was say one little sentence to the bus boy/girl/person of undefined gender. “Oh, I’m sorry, but the gentleman sitting there is just out smoking and I’m not sure if he’s done with that delectable, but dense, baked-good.” Simple and sweet (the sentence and the muffin.)
This kind of fervent neglect to act is like failing to pull the lever that diverts a streetcar away from unaware pedestrians. You are ultimately responsible for the deaths of those innocent people and for the touching of my muffin.


There are more offenders that I wish to address in this letter:

Whichever neighbor of mine that has been taking the menus and ads left on my screen door. I have a drawer in my kitchen where I keep those.

The guy who leaves flyers for European auto repair on my Kia Rio. I do not keep those. Stop touching my car.

Jeanine at the office. That’s my goddamn tape dispenser. I brought here from my last job. Go get your own.

Whoever stole the pack of Fruit Stripe fruit flavored gum off my desk while I was in the Mendelson meeting last Tuesday from 10 to 11:30 A.M. This might be Jeanine as well.

Dr. Hansaraj Chakrabati , PhD. I know my health insurance requires the physicals and I gave consent. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.


In closing, would you people kindly keep your grabby little hands to yourselves and off of my stuff?

This would be greatly appreciated,

Martin Henderson
Accounts Payable
Hawkings Paper Supply, Ltd.